Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”