@BoomBoomBetty

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

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@eeethanford

[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@Mama_in_heels

My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.

@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

@hippieswordfish

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@dance_blessed

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.