Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.
Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.