@BoomBoomBetty

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

@david8hughes

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

@Gentlemenhood

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.