Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Haha good job!!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.