Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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Based Erika
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers