Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My neck my back my allergy attack
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy