@Maxine12339

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

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@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

@jonnysun

ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*jury gasps*
*nothimg happens*
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down

@Mechaniz10

*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@aksorojas

fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.