Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down
*Making a cake*
Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?
Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.
11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*