Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.