American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”
Heroes are all around us.