*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit