My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You’ll be OK
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones