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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
No laws when master is gone
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes