Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

You Might Also Like


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?


You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows


it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy


“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”


Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.


*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*


If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.


ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.