@CastAwayKristen

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

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@preciousadidas

Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-

Obama

@FU_TangClan

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

@meganamram

You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows

@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@Izianikapani

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

@IvoryGazelle

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.