Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️