Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout
Obama: Joe please.
Biden: too far? Okay what about-
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
You Might Also Like
Me: can I borrow $20?
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You say “tomato,” I say “tomato,” and there, we’ve written our own wedding vows
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.