Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
buys donuts instead
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*