Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?