@Chel__CLE

Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.

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@LaneSperkus

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

@_salt_n_lime

Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.

@Quartzjixler

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

@Rollinintheseat

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@pinupteacher

I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.

@MsCarlissima

My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.”

*Soft kiss*

@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

@Mostly_Cheese

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.