Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.
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Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.
My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.”
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.