“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
you gotta be faster
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”