“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.