Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners