Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both