Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

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I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.


Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target


“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor


if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?


If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.


Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing


Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on


19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*