I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again
-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”
[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend