Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually

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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.


Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.


Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?


Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”


My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me


I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.


I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.


Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.


ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.