“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You wish you had this many chins.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you