All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.