@Holy_Mowgli

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

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@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@omgthatspunny

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.

@maisondecris

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@MarfSalvador

[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v?e?n?g?e?a?n?c?e?
grapes