until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Super Hand Dog Face
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA