My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
You Might Also Like
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”
I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]