@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

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@KKAlThani

If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish

@LaurelleMartin

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

@TweetingDadGuy

Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.

@daemonic3

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

@TheOnion

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”

@Robert_Beau

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.