Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

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If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish


My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries


Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner


Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.


WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind


Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating


I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.


elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”


The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.