Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My patience has stretch marks.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.