*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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going to the ER y’all need anything
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.