It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60