@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

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@rebrafsim

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

@Playing_Dad

My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@SlappNuttz

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

@carlyken

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate