@Doctor_Cupcakes

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

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@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@Tmoney68

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@internetluke

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

@FuckabillyRex

I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.

@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds