*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds