Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.