Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.