Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”