“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.