“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
a god among men
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
What
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’ve had worse
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands