up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Well, this is awkward
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.