My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You Might Also Like
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.