Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.