I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES
8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
We really went from July 1st to July 3rd in two days
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground