8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU

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I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.


I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.


Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick


So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer


interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears


WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down


If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground