“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.