Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.