“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

- @Diversion50

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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”


ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.


My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.


When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’


Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.


I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.


‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.


[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend


I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.