@Diversion50

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

- @Diversion50

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@TheAndrewNadeau

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

@Los01001111

My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@bettieriot

I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

@Betfairpoker

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

@michaeldean0116

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.