“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Body by Oreos
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice