update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

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[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]


I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.


Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering


I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.


[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.


<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking


This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.


Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone