Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*struts into the new year
~ trips
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.