Awwwww shit.
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”