@decentbirthday: Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
@Alex_N_Chains: I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He's awfully thin...
@AimeeHelene1: You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat's teeth...and all of a sudden you're banned for life.
*sighs*
@OfficeofSteve: Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
@sonictyrant: Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i'll have what she’s having
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