@ThePoke
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@aghoshb 
@DadandBuried I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
@chadzappa I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…
@egg_dog imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
@amyjcordova Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
@TheToddWilliams [restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
@kimtopher22 Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
@Spotzwoj The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
@randypaint rose: yes, i was on the titanic
guy: okay, where is this diamond
rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy
guy: can u just tell us where the-
rose: best sex of my life. easily.