@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum

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@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@Shade510

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

@KalvinMacleod

[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@atDevin

Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day

@gorrdano

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”

@Heronhell

When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone

@BuckyIsotope

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it