@decentbirthday: Friend: check out my conscience shell Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear* Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

@Alex_N_Chains: I think it's fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him. He's awfully thin...

@AimeeHelene1: You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat's teeth...and all of a sudden you're banned for life. *sighs*

@OfficeofSteve: Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

@sonictyrant: Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll Woman at the next table: i'll have what she’s having