STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day
Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”
When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it