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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
rose: yes, i was on the titanic
guy: okay, where is this diamond
rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy
guy: can u just tell us where the-
rose: best sex of my life. easily.