
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[describing sketch artist to criminal]
He was pretty good at drawing pictures.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day
Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”
When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it