@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum

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@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@amyjcordova

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

@TheToddWilliams

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

@kimtopher22

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

@Spotzwoj

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

@randypaint

rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.