HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement