@TheRolo

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

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@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@BetteMidler

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

@NewDadNotes

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@Kamikaze_Blonde

I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.

@Masquerage

When my twitter crush rt’s another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.

@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?