*updates tinder bio*
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning