*updates tinder bio*

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scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god


They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’


If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.

At least you still have standards.


I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.


Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?


Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?


My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.


I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.


[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]