@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

You Might Also Like

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.

@heybuddy_comic

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@TheMichaelRock

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

@flashember

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

@ericsshadow

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

@dlicj

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

@sonictyrant

me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*

patient: who’s that?

nurse: your trauma surgeon

patient: wow he’s good