[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

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Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?




M: Gravy?


Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.



If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.


FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords


My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.


pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere


me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*

patient: who’s that?

nurse: your trauma surgeon

patient: wow he’s good