How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
repaired
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.