Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

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[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop


another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem


[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

ME: [lifting veil] I do


Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands


Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]


Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’


When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”


‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.


When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.


*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.