Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Hell yeah 👍
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’ve been drinking.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee