Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem
[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]
BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?
ME: [lifting veil] I do
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.