Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
this is the best interaction on twitter
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….