upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.