Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.
*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!