UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.