UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…


Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.


*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?


If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with


[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet


centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*


The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.


Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!