[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
You Might Also Like
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people