You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’m a bad influence on myself.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*