I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”