My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago